Having those difficult conversations at work

When you think about difficult conversations at work, what comes to mind? Napa Saengkrachang, People and Culture Consultant shares her advice on how to approach those hard conversations in the workplace.

We find these conversations difficult because we want to be honest, but we feel we can’t say exactly how we feel and think (perhaps you have a company “party line” that you have to stick to). This is combined with the worries of how the other person is going to react. Adding to the tricky mix, you have the complexity of work culture having its own different language you have to navigate around. 

Essentially we have difficulties or a feeling of uneasiness because these conversations may require you to be unauthentic. Having worked in HR for YEARS, coached business leaders and managers across various industries from fintech to publishing, this is everyone’s achilles heel. Meaning everyone avoids “difficult conversations” all together. Which ironically, makes everything worse, therefore requiring an even more difficult and complex conversation later down the line.

So let’s be brave together and tackle these so-called difficult conversations.

You’re not preparing for battle

Most of the time we preempt the difficulty of the conversation based on how it’s going to be received by the other person and how best to “deliver” the conversation - the focus of the content is forgotten. It’s like you’re preparing for the components that can instigate a confrontation. When you’re mentally preparing for conflict, your body will get you ready for just that. Meaning your adrenaline and cortisol will be causing havoc on your system, making you all sweaty and nervous. Not great right? Remember this is a conversation between two humans. When you get a wave of anxiety, practice deep breaths (yes, really!), and when the feeling starts to creep in during the conversation it’s totally fine to take a breath, even taking a minute and start again. 

We’re very receptive animals, if you go in with a battle mindset, it’s likely the other party will feel this too - so you want to dive into the conversation as cool as a cucumber.

Don’t give yourself too much time to think about it.

The anticipation is actually worse than the conversation itself - as per our previous point. Preparation is the worst stage, so limit this as much as possible. Don’t give yourself too much time to think about all possible scenarios and potential reactions. It can only go one way, and the only way of finding out is to actually have the conversation.

Focus on the content (purpose) of your conversation, be clear on the intention and what you want from the conversation.

Reflect on what you REALLY want out of the conversation, and write them down. If it’s a salary increase, have a number in mind and when do you want it. If it’s about your awful boss, what needs to happen or what support do you need. 

Focus on defining your wants in to actions, this will ensure that the conversation doesn’t become personal - because it isn’t. Even if your boss is awful, you want to focus on conversing about the changes in their actions that you’d like to see. When you think it’s starting to stray from your initial intention or it’s starting to get personal, go back to the actionable points you prepared. Also, pick one topic per conversation, if you’ve got a shopping list of grievances then separate those topics out.

We’re all humans, act like it.

There are so many templates and frameworks out there that will claim to help you control these conversations - sometimes they work but from experience, we all get flustered and forget the damn format anyways. It’s a conversation, not a presentation. It’s impossible to predict what the other person is going to say anyway, so I think it’s best to ditch a script.

Focus on having clear intentions and outcome you want (as per previous point) - you can’t get flustered and forget what you came to the conversation for. If you’re not sure where to start, share your vulnerability (if it’s genuine), my personal favourite goes something like this “I really want to share something that’s been on my mind lately, it is sensitive and I find it a little uncomfortable but I feel that it’s really important for me to tell you and discuss with you…”. You can chop and change that to suit your style.

Be comfortable with silence

Silence is your best friend tool, learn to embrace it during conversations. This will allow the other party time to think and you’re more likely to get their genuine thoughts. Silence also grants you time to think, take deep breaths, and navigate the next steps of the conversation. We’re used to filling the silence because we’re taught that talking equals competence - try to unlearn this and use your silence to actively listen to what others have to say.

Nothing is going to happen after one conversation

Very rarely things are resolved from one conversation. Make sure to follow up, thanking the other person for their time, summarising actions and schedule in another time to continue the conversation or wrap up all together.

It’s okay to f*ck up

We’re humans, we’re not going to say and react in the “right way” all the time. Give yourself and the other person some grace. Know that all you can do is prepare for what you want to say. There’s no way of planning or controlling others’ reactions and their actions - whether you like it or not, use it as a way to inform your next steps. And only apologise when it’s called for.

Hopefully this article makes you feel a little braver when approaching conversations at work. Remember, that we’re just a bunch of tiny humans on a floating rock, telling Bob from accounting to back off is really not that big of a deal.